everything is really pointless.

so i'm sitting here pondering whether and what i should eat for lunch- i'm not really hungry right now (my stomach doesn't hurt and it's not making noises YET). then it came to me- does it really pay for me to eat anything considering NO ONE will let me do ANYTHING anymore? probably not. i'm starting to understand why some people in nursing homes won't eat. my grandma went long periods without eating towards the end of her life. she looked really skinny towards the end of her life (you could see bruises all over her body and her veins- she always used the excuse that she just had vericous veins). my "caring" family is so negligent that they refuse to acknowledge that they're part of the reason i'm like this. anyone who doesn't understand exactly why i wanna move with ALL this caring support which is only interested on how they appear to others- ARE SERIOUSLY SELFISH AND IGNORANT. *GASP* THAT MEANS YOU AMANDA! if you dicks cared about me as fuckin much as you try to make it seem- YOU'D HAVE KNOWLEDGE THAT I ALREADY ATTENDED COURAGE KENNY AND THAT WAS THE REASON WHY MY GRANDMA WENT OUT ON HER OWN AND FOUND TRAM HOLLOWAY SO I'D ACTUALLY START TO SHOW IMPROVEMENT. COURAGE KENNY DIDN'T HELP ME WITH SHIT. THE MORONS CAN'T EVEN HELP ME TO GET MY FUCKIN DRIVER'S LICENSE AFTER THREE DRIVING EVALUATIONS! DO YOU EVER STOP TO CONSIDER THAT MAYBE IT'S NOT MY ABILITY TO DRIVE?! ESPECIALLY AFTER THREE FUCKIN TIMES OF TAKING THAT SHIT. i told the fitness center when i started going there over 10-maybe 15 years ago that one of my goals was to GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN. they're just taking advantage of my LACK OF ADVOCACY. WHAT A GREAT INSTITUTE! MAKES ME WANNA CONTINUE WASTING MY FUCKIN TIME THERE! SO LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT- THOSE VIDEOS OF ME WALKING AT COURAGE KENNY AREN'T REAL OR IT'S IMAGINARY OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT?! *GASP* OR I COULD'VE GOT AI TO DO THEM! maybe to a careless, stupid prick. IF YOU WANNA FUCKIN SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY- YOU GO THERE. jackasses. you're not helping anything but negative thoughts coming to my head about how i'm only good dead. SO FUCK YOU ALL. AMANDA, ESPECIALLY MY DUMB FUCKIN MOM, FAT AMY (MY SISTER). YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYTHING BUT HELPING ME GET MORE FRUSTRATED AND HAVE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. YOU ALL ARE THE REASON FOR MY DEPRESSION. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I NEVER FUCKING WANTED TO LIVE IN THIS STATE. GO LIVE YOUR HAPPY FUCKING LIFE WITH YOUR GREAT HUSBAND AND KIDS, YOU WERE ACTUALLY ABLE TO MARRY WHO YOU WANTED AND HAVE KIDS- I DON'T HAVE THAT BENEFIT. I CAN'T EVEN GET TO A PLACE WHERE I WOULD WANT THAT TO HAPPEN FOR ME BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF SUPPORT AND ADVOCACY THAT *GASP* I DO NEED AND THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF IT. YOU SERVE ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. FUCK YOU ALL. i don't understand why the fuck my mom ACTSlike she "cares" about me.. SHE NEVER CARED WHEN SHE WAS USING ME AS A SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER. she always used to tell me, "this is your life! live it how you want!" what happened to that, bum? the story seemed to change after fat amy moved back in with you. so i'm guessing amy is acting like she can tell my mom what to do (which isn't new.. she DID used to hit my mom). so with that said fat amy doesn't like to see people who came from basically the same place as she did ACTUALLY do something with their lives- she's a jealous pig. just because you're only capable of a junior high education does NOT mean you have to drag people who actually work hard for what they can manage to get without resources or advocacy down with you. you people who are putting the brakes on something i've worked my ass off for at least 20 years are NOT DOING YOUR FUCKING JOBS/BEING "CARING" AT ALL. YOU CARE.. ONLY ABOUT YOURSELVES. YOU GOT THIS! YOU'RE A COMPLETE FUCKING MORON IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO REMAIN IN THIS UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE. just because it's all sunshines and rainbow for you, does NOT make that EVERYONE'S situation.. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT. man.. i am a bad judge of character and from my conclusion- i got that from my grandma.